Hot Rock's Sphincter Control

After communicating with several of the parody artists over the weekend, we noticed a pattern. Old Rocks-in-the-Jock, in typical anal fashion, has sent out the exact same form letter to about half-a-dozen people, and though all of them replied promptly (some were obsequious, others, like myself, just used it as an opportunity to hose on him), none of them ever got a reply.

This is actually very typical of most Fundy evangelicals. Their brand of religion causes a kind of anal-retentiveness in which some people are simply "not worth paying attention to". People like Ron feel it's perfectly good to threaten people, but if their bluff is called, the threat is blown-off, or we simply refuse to give into their demands, they simply close that sphincter of theirs, and make believe we are not there, unless they want to blackmail us, or issue a new threat.

Several of the people responsible for the Jack T. Chick Parody Archive wrote very formal letters in response to their threats, and heard nothing back at all. Does Sloppy-Rocks think that we're just supposed to cave-in and do what he says without question? Does he lack ability to respond to people who do not see things his way? Obviously he does have a problem. His sphincter is closed as tight as an iron vice, capable of crushing coal into diamonds. But this is typical of most religious Fundamentalists, and not exclusively to Christian Fundamentalists.

See, most Extremely Religious and Extremely Conservative people have a problem with humor. Their sense of humor is so tightly wound up, that there are only a few things that they can laugh at. Any joke which pokes fun at their beliefs, borders on blasphemy, or makes fun of conservative political issues, is dealt with via anger. They get very angry at anyone who does not fit into their "Straight and narrow" view of the way things should be. Just look at some of Chick's literature, particularly on Catholicism and homosexuality. These are angry diatribes, written by bitter people with some kind of bug up their ass. Evangelical Fundamentalists are naturally bitter people. They are bitter that most people view them as a bunch of kooks. They are bitter that other religious denominations get more attention than they do. They are bitter that many people live lifestyles and promote beliefs that are counter to their own. They are bitter that the 1950's are over, and that the alleged "good old days" are no more (the "good old days" are a complete myth and never were to begin with). They are bitter that "their people" are not in control of the country or world.

This bitterness at the world which refuses to take them seriously, is part of the whole "spiritual warfare" mentality, which most Religious Fundamentalists have. Every person who does not fit into their narrow mold is treated as an enemy -- an agent of the Devil. Since there are millions of people who do not hold Evangelical Fundamentalist beliefs, there are millions of enemies of Christianity who are "out to get them." This means that every day, a small, private war must be waged against everyone and anyone who rejects their worldview.

I've worked out a solution to people's problems with anger, bitterness, and anal-retentiveness. To cure these people of their ailments, all we need to do is make sure that they all recieve a theraputic blowjob on a daily basis. I'm sure that there are people out there who could start a service like "Blowjobs for Jesus", where ads could be placed in various dating and singles magazines for prospective anally-distressed individuals, or the numbers of certain dial-a-date places could be called on their behalf. If the individuals in question are married, we could offer lessons to their spouses on how to keep them satisfied, or perhaps mail them pocket-pussies or various sexual devices to use behind the desk in their offices. When all religious Fundamentalists are getting laid or achieving orgasm on a regular basis, the world will be a much better place.