THINGS TO DO
Speak in Tongues
Attend an Orgy
Touch a Penis
Whips & Leather
Statement of Bull
Out of Our Minds
Before you read this, read the Jack Chick biography at http://www.chick.com/information/authors/chick.asp
From early childhood, it was obvious that Jack Chick had an ability to be an asshole. He even failed the first grade when the teacher realized he was a fucking loser. As he grew, Jack was constantly being an asshole to those around him, honing skills that would allow his dog to use him later in an obscene way.
While in high school, even the most forgiving Christians avoided him because he was into sodomizing small animals. They all agreed that he was a fuckhead who needed to die.
After dropping out of high school, Jack robbed a bank to pay for community college. His studies were interupted by a twenty year sentence for knocking over the bank. It was here that he met his soulmate, Tiny.
After they both got out of the joint, Jack returned to college. He married Tiny a year after this. While visiting Tiny's dysfunctional family, Jack learned that there was a lot of money in being a prostitute. After learning this, he dedicated his life to selling himself for crack.
Once married, Jack sold his body to earn a living. He had always wanted to be a prostitute, but, now that he was married, he desired to use his talents for Tiny's benefit.
While working under Silky the Pimp in Queens, Jack was standing on his corner reading a copy of So you Wanna be an Asshole, given to him by a wino for sex. He remembers "That book pushed my button. I went to a brothel and realized that's where I belonged." So he started selling himself to get some extra money.
He couldn't find a publisher willing to publish a book about prostitution, so we were saved his drivel for a while. Unfortunately, he was able to get the money from Tiny to let him publish his book himself.
Right after the book was printed, he was walking down the road when he saw a group of teens on the sidewalk. He at first felt disgust at the teens, but then realized that selling them to Silky could get him money for another book.
Within 15 minutes, a nightmare began. After going home and selling the boys for crack, Jack decided to draw some pitiful stick figures. Unfortunately, he was able to publish this as well.
Jack learned from a drug runner in China that lots of Chinese had been drawn to Communism by cartoona. He realized quickly that this could be a way to get more whores for Silky.
Not long after, he was arrested for drug possession, and was able to get his message to the inmates of the prison. He drew more of his pitiful stick figures to convince the inmates. Nine of eleven inmates he was speaking to are now succesful prostitutes with Silky. Jack became convinced that he was better than Silky, and tried to take the prostitutes and form his own ring.
Using his kitchen for his brothel, Jack continued selling himself. Throughout the early years, over eight thousand men came to Jack for services. Jack recalls "It was hard. Sometimes I had eight customers a night. And, to make matters worse, Silky had kept the best of the prostitutes.
But demands for his body increased. Jack was forced to hire better guys to take some of the load. Soon, word got out through the city, and Jack was forced to expand to cover most of New York.
For nearly forty years, Jack has been selling himself. He has serviced hundreds of thousands of men in this time, and his other men serviced countless more.
The Laughing Vigilante (firstname.lastname@example.org)